Pause

Siempre he sido dura conmigo misma. Aunque estoy hecha de un material maleable, cortante a veces, también soy de aire. Guardo secretos bajo un exterior tranquilo. Demasiado pocos saben quién soy bajo la mirada afilada. Ese día traté de contenerlo todo mientras una tormenta de sentimientos empezó a invadirme. La tristeza anunciaba que me ahogaría cada vez más. Los latidos que esperaba, apagados, vacíos, inmateriales. La sensación de soledad, de terror, de abandono. Cuando el momento pasó, no sabía qué hacer. La angustia crecía adentro, se apoderaba rápidamente de mis pasos. Mi calma, escondida. Mi paz, asustada. Mi balance, confundido. Mi sonrisa, ausente. Yo, rota. Hacía mucho tiempo no lloraba con tanto dolor. Me aferré a sus brazos, esos que tienen la capacidad de moldearme de nuevo con calor y ternura. Perdí un pedazo de mí ese día. Ahora tengo otro vacío adentro, otro dolor enterrado. Salí para mezclarme dentro del desfile de seres que también caminan rotos, ignorando a su vez que todos somos retazos de tristezas adheridos por felicidades escasas. La pesadilla no termina nunca. Me queda respirar hondo, y encontrar el camino de vuelta.

(Acompañamiento: 

Portugal. The Man - Created)

 

 

I don't know how we're created
but I know that I know we all die, know we all die
go pick up all your tools, build a roof
I'll pick up all mine, build one too
I just do as I do
yeah, I do as I please
and that's all I can do

I don't know how we're created
but I know that I know we all die, know we all die
listen to the cars just passing through
help out all those friends that helped you too
you just do as you do
yeah, you do as you please
and that's all you can do
that's all you can do

I don't know how we're created
but I know that I know we all die, know we all die
open up your arms and hold onto
everything you own that owns you too
and just let it all go
'cause we do as we please
and that's all we can do
that's all we can do

I don't know how we're created
but I know that I know we all die, know we all die
and that's all we can do

Grief

 

Grief alters you in so many ways. I lost my mother four years ago, and at the time, I was under endocrinology treatments. I was tested every four months for everything you can imagine. My results reflected my life: they changed according to what I was experiencing. The endocrinologist I had was so lovely; she knew something was going wrong the first time she picked one exam. One day, my hormones had anomalous readings; she learned I was worried because my mother was sick. Then, my mother died some months later, and I went for my labs again. Everything was out of the reference ranges when I got back my results. Everything. It was unbelievable. My endocrinologist read the results, and she knew. "Did your mother die, Mary?" she asked. I cried. "Yes, two months ago." She took my results and folded them. She told me: "Don't worry about these numbers, they mean nothing. They belong to another person: a full of grief woman who needs time to recover". She was correct; I was not myself. But I found my way back, and I'll share my secret: Focus on one thing at a time. People tell you that you need to heal, rest properly, eat properly, find yourself again and reinvent your life. That sounds difficult to achieve when you're so profoundly hurt. So, my advice is more straightforward: don't be harsh on yourself and surround your life with people and things you love. It'll take time, but you'll get there. Grief lasts forever, but it becomes less draining with time. 🧡

(Listening: 

Oasis - Stop crying your heart out)

 

 

Hold up
hold on
don't be scared
you'll never change what's been and gone

May your smile (may your smile)
shine on (shine on)
don't be scared (don't be scared)
your destiny may keep you warm

'Cause all of the stars are fading away
just try not to worry, you'll see them someday
take what you need, and be on your way
and stop crying your heart out

Get up (get up)
come on (come on)
why're you scared? (I'm not scared)
you'll never change what's been and gone

'Cause all of the stars are fading away
just try not to worry, you'll see them someday
take what you need, and be on your way
and stop crying your heart out

'Cause all of the stars are fading away
just try not to worry, you'll see them someday
just take what you need, and be on your way
and stop crying your heart out

We're all of the stars, we're fading away
just try not to worry, you'll see us some day
just take what you need, and be on your way
and stop crying your heart out
stop crying your heart out
stop crying your heart out
stop crying your heart out 

Cuatro

 

 

Amor puro. El tiempo que pasa, trayendo recuerdos y momentos, pantallazos de otras épocas. El tiempo que no perdona, bálsamo para el olvido. Las heridas sanan, aunque siguen doliendo. Extrañar es parte del día a día. Colisiones. Conquistas, nuevas aventuras. Otras palabras, la distancia. Las preguntas.

¿Para qué ocupan tanto espacio las preguntas en un duelo? Seres sin sentido dedicados a perturbar una paz de papel. Viento constante, agitando el espíritu. Las ideas, la interpretación. Las razones, las posibilidades, aquello que pudo ser y no fue. El amor puro. Ése que perdura y vibra al compás de la vida. Reinventarse, bajo el hechizo de la misma música. Volver al centro, encontrar el balance, y repetir. La danza de la pérdida es también de la nostalgia.

Te sigo extrañando.

(Acompañamiento: 

Imagine Dragons - Wrecked)

 

 

Days pass by and my eyes stay dry, and I think that I'm okay
'til I find myself in conversation, fading away
the way you smile, the way you walk
the time you took to teach me all that you had taught
tell me, how am I supposed to move on?

These days I'm becoming everything that I hate
wishing you were around but now it's too late
my mind is a place that I can't escape your ghost
 

Sometimes I wish that I could wish it all away
one more rainy day without you
sometimes I wish that I could see you one more day
one more rainy day
oh, I'm a wreck without you here
yeah, I'm a wreck since you've been gone
I've tried to put this all behind me
I think I was wrecked all along
yeah, I'm a wreck

They say that the time will heal it, the pain will go away
but everything, it reminds me of you and it comes in waves
way you laugh when your shoulders shook
the time you took to teach me all that you had taught
tell me, how am I supposed to move on?

These days I'm becoming everything that I hate
wishing you were around but now it's too late
my mind is a place that I can't escape your ghost

Sometimes I wish that I could wish it all away
one more rainy day without you
sometimes I wish that I could see you one more day
one more rainy day
oh, I'm a wreck without you here
yeah, I'm a wreck since you've been gone
I've tried to put this all behind me
I think I was wrecked all along

These days when I'm on the brink of the edge
remember the words that you said
remember the life you led
you'd say, "Oh, suck it all up, don't get stuck in the mud
thinkin' of things that you should have done"
I'll see you again, my loved one
 

I'll see you again, my loved one
yeah, I'm a wreck
I'll see you again, my loved one
yeah, I'm a wreck without you here (loved one)
yeah, I'm a wreck since you've been gone (I'm a wreck since you've been gone)
I've tried to put this all behind me
I think I was wrecked all along (I'm a wreck)
yeah, I'm a wreck

Sometimes I wish that I could wish it all away but I can't
one more rainy day without you (one more rainy day)
sometimes I wish that I could see you one more day but I can't
one more rainy day